I’m not going to give you the airplane metaphor of putting my oxygen mask on first before tending to others. I’m not even going to tell you that I’m a better mother and wife after I fill my cup first before tending to my family. I am a woman that wears the masks of mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. And while it’s taken me time to figure things out, I’ve been putting myself first and before anyone else in my life. Here are things that I’ve done in recent years and continue to do: I take solitude weekend trips, girlfriend vacations, day trips, indulging massages, healing reflexology and yummy skin care treatments. I treat myself to a new outfit as needed and take drives and hikes as often as I desire. Coffee dates with friends and lunches to new places to explore the city and areas that are well away from neighborhood. I feed my soul as needed. Nobody else is going to do it for me.
For quite a few years now (especially now that my children are not physically needy), I’ve kept it my dirty little secret that I put myself first in most of my daily decisions, activities, wants and needs. It’s a strategic plan. I’ve kept this part of my being and mental health practices to myself because in the beginning, I did harbor shame, guilt and self judgment around what others might view as selfish, self-seeking, self-indulgent, and self-centered.
And I was practicing ALL of that.
But really I was just judging myself. And you know what? That is when I really began to peel away layers of self-judgement and make my self-care a nonnegotiable. Why? Because nobody else is responsible for my needs. Nobody’s coming to take to load off of me.
Back in 2015, after an argument with my husband in noticing how he took time for himself to do what he needed for HIS own self-care. He had no regrets, guilt or shame. I had to stop dead in my tracks and ask myself: Why didn’t he feel guilty? Why did he think he deserved to have regular self-care? He didn’t seem to feel any self-judgement. I wanted him to feel all of those feeling that I felt because I didn’t want to feel alone in my guilt. Women and especially moms are supposed to be givers- not takers. It’s been a work in progress over the past 5 years in learning to say “yes” to myself.
Learning to take the time that I need BEFORE I need it, BEFORE I implode, BEFORE I ooze nastiness upon the people that I love the most and BEFORE the negative inner dialogue settles in. In that same argument with my husband, he asked me directly “What is it EXACTLY that you want?”. I just stared at him with wide eyes…...blank…...frozen. I couldn’t answer his question. I didn’t know. I didn’t have any answers for myself. I never allowed myself to think about what I wanted. It never seemed that it was even possible to think about myself after becoming a full-time mother, without any family and community support.
Asking myself that same question that my husband asked me, literally changed my life. It forced me to get really clear about what it was that I actually wanted. None of my family or friends is going to say to me “Hey,(insert social role here) you’ve worked hard today. You should take a break and go to a movie or get a massage.” Nobody is going to take less from me either or stop asking me to do things with or for them. Nobody is going to think “I don’t want her to make dinner tonight for the millionth time so I’ll just fend for myself this evening.” Nobody is going to anticipate my wants or needs. That’s my responsibility. Does that mean that my family is ungrateful for me? Not at all. They are just going with the flow that I helped to create when our lives were different years ago. I now ask for what I need from them when I need it. I don’t wait for anyone to anticipate my needs. When your kids are little, your needs may look like a 15 or 30 minute walk alone in the neighborhood, or an hour to chat on the phone with a friend-uninterrupted. It may not seem like it’s worth the effort to carve out such little time, but trust that it is and it can be just what you need to recharge yourself and raise your energy to connect in that way with yourself and those close to you.
Learning and knowing this and implementing it is two different things. I had to take action. Nobody was coming for me to grant me this wish. I have to believe that I’ve earned it and that I deserved it. It is entitlement! While I wish I hadn’t suffered in the early days of child rearing, It’s now my time. I’m not training to be an employee. I am the CEO of my life. I’m not waiting around for a boss to notice me and give me a raise. I’m in charge, and it’s full on my responsibility to meet my own needs. I’ve decided to change career paths in recent years and open my own henna art business here in Austin, Texas. I’ve been wanting to do this. Nobody else is going to do it for me. Nobody’s coming for me to tell me that I did a good job, or that I worked hard. Nobody’s coming to tell me that I deserve a gold star. Everything is negotiable. I don’t do this to be better for those in my life. I do because I care about myself. If they reap the side effects, that’s the cherry on top.
It’s up to me, and my daughter and son are watching.